How can I be grateful?

I remember in the 7th grade, we had to write a paper in gym (wtf were we doing writing papers in gym?!) and the subject was "If you could be anyone, who would you be and why?"

I remember it vividly. I wrote that I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I said "everyone has problems and faults, so why would I want to take on someone else's burden?"

I was pretty insightful for a 13 year old.

At the end of the class, a girl that everyone made fun of, including me (hanging my head in shame) handed me her paper.

She wanted to be just like me.

It was like a punch in the gut.

She wrote that she wanted to be just like me because I never got angry. I never made fun of people. I always stood up for those around me. I was such an amazing person.

I cried and felt like shit. I had run this girl into the ground for years behind her back. And here she was praising me.

Now she was right on a few things. I didn't let people see me angry. I smiled no matter how hurt/angry/rejected I felt. I also stood up for those who couldn't stand up for themselves.

I was raised in church and tried to live right. I dressed differently. I acted differently. I spoke differently. It made me feel like an outsider, and I thought everyone around me saw me as a loser.

I felt like a loser.

I was poor. My parents fought constantly. My dad was abusive. I had been molested. I was told constantly by my father how stupid I was and that I was a nigger and I'd never amount to anything. So in public I did all I could to fade into the background.

I only stood up for people cause I didn't want them feeling like I did.

As I got older, my self esteem got worse. I did a lot of stupid things. I was with the WORST guys. And I HATED myself for it.

At the age of 17 I walked into my kitchen and fell to my knees. I had hit rock bottom. I cried out "God, please, please, just take me! I can't take this anymore! Please just kill me!"

I had lived in self loathing for 17 years while trying to uplift every one around me and it broke me.

I was drinking every single time I was alone. I was taking massive amounts of pills. Every time I drove I would think "How quickly would I die if I ran into that tree/pole/off this bridge?"

I just wanted the pain that overwhelmed me to end.

Then one day I sat in my chair and God laid this peace on me like I had never felt. I poured out my heart while picturing the new preacher at my church (I wasn't attending church anymore, but I had heard him preach). I just unloaded everything. Every feeling. Every sin. Every short coming.

Then I prayed. I gave every single thing in my life to God. I put my life in His hands and said "I can't do anything. I've messed it all up. Your will be done."

And since that day I have been able to look up and say "Thank you". I'm not saying my life got easier. I still struggled for years. But when I remembered that it was all in God's hands, things went smoothly.
I realized that the shit that happened to me in my past doesn't determine my worth. Its what I chose to do with those experiences.

I may have hit rock bottom, but I got back up. I learned that even when you fall flat on your face, you can still army crawl your way until you can get up on your hands and knees. And I learned that for every bad situation you go through, you can always find the good.

I went through hell, and came out stronger. I came out stronger because I know that God needed me to go through it so that I could help others. There are so many more instances in my life where someone showed me that my "fake it til you can make it" smile got them through their own personal hell.

So instead of constantly dwelling on the wrongs in your life, why not look up and tell God "thank you" every once in a while. Give your burdens to Him. He's better equipped to carry them anyway.