What grinds my gears

I've had a hankering for a salad lately. Not just any salad, but a Caesar salad. Its my favorite.

And while I was making it, I started thinking about all the Caesars I've had at different restaurants. And most of them just piss me off.

A Caesar salad is made with the light green/white part of the Romaine lettuce. Its a very crisp salad and therefore uses only the crisp part of the leaves.
The dressing should be on all the leaves, but should not be so thick as to make the leaf droop or overpower the freshness of the leaves.
Croutons no bigger than your thumbnail should be scattered throughout the salad.
There should be curls, or at the very least, shavings, of fresh Parmesan cheese topping the salad.

That is a Caesar salad. The dressing should be made from scratch, because the ingredients aren't very expensive and it taste a million times better than any bottled mess.

Isn't that simple?

Then why do so many people get it wrong?! Stop sending me a dark green salad weighed down with brown goop! Or a dark green salad with croutons the size of my ear, no dressing and extremely stale fake cheese on top!

Is that asking too much? I've made the salad myself a billion times, so I know how easy it is! Stop fucking it up!

And while we're on the subject, stop making any salad at all with HUGE pieces of lettuce, spinach, mescaline, frisse, or any other greens! Everything in a salad, including toppings, meats and other veggies, should all be fork friendly. That means you shouldn't have to cut it up in order to put it in your mouth. (exclusions can be at a fine dining restaurant where they bring, say, a Caesar salad where its rolled whole leaves of Romaine and its dressed properly for the sake of presentation-but this is rare)

Oh, and quit bringing me salads the size of my head unless it's my entree! If I'm having several courses, I don't want to fill up on salad and feel like I've wasted money on my main course. Stop bringing my salad before my appetizer. And if you see that we're still eating our appetizer, do not bring me my salad. Or if you've mixed up the order, wait until I've finished eating my salad before bringing my appetizer. And the table should be cleared off before setting my entree on the table.

Just because you are working at a family/casual dining restaurant, doesn't mean you can forget proper serving etiquette. You depend on tips, and to get a great tip from me, you better be on your game. I shouldn't go thirsty. I should go hungry. And I shouldn't have to wait until my meal is over before you finally decide to ask if I want the bill. Before I'm through eating you should ask if I want dessert or coffee. If I say no, then bring me the bill! It should be my choice of when I leave, not whenever you feel like doing your job!

I've waited tables. I know what its like to be slammed, and I know what its like to have a super sluggish night. And I know how to keep every customer feeling like they are my top priority. I won't hesitate to give you a 1 cent tip to show you how horrible you are at your job.
I also won't hesitate to give you a 20% tip if you're on your game!